I'm missing my grandma more than anything in the world tonight...

I was sitting at my scrap table working on a mini album while listening to my ipod when "I'm your angel" came on...I have been thinking about my grandma a lot today and this song just brought on more sadness. My grandma died when I was in the 6th grade. So, basically she never really knew me. I have changed so so much since then. I wanted my grandma to see me grow up. I wanted her to see me get married. I wanted her to be with me while I grew up. It hurts more than anything to know that I will never see her again. I would give absolutely anything just to talk to her one last time. I loved my grandma more than I could ever tell you. She died just days before my brother graduated high school. We were all she had and we knew that. My grandma loved me more than life itself. I miss her so much. I can't stop crying. I know she is watching over me and my family. I want her to know how much I miss her because it's more than I could ever explain.
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I just looked through my old scrapbook and read this cheesy story that I wrote about my grandma. It's so chessy, but it's all so true. She went out of her way to do anything for us. God, I would give anything for one more day...
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I also just realized that tomorrow will be 5 years since my papa died. He died the same year as my grandma. They died 6 months apart. They were on opposite sides of the family.-Haley

A little update...

I went to Dr.P (my old doctor) last Thursday. He decided to gradually get me off of Zoloft and on Effexor. I thought this was a good plan. We knew that I had an appointment with Dr.S (went to her for a 2nd opinion) on Wednesday (the 15th). She felt like Effexor was a good antidepressant and that we were headed in the right path. She has decided to increase the Effexor very fast. I will increase every Friday until I get to 150 mg and we could have to increase that. We aren't sure yet. My mama and I were EXTREMELY impressed with Dr.S. She knows her stuff. She is very, very sweet. Needless to say, Dr.P is now out of the picture. :) I am very happy with this decision. Dr.S has also increased my Klonopin to 1mg every morning and 1/2 at 3pm until we get me back to my old self. :) I cannot even begin to say how impressed I was with Dr.S. She is so compassionate and she actually LISTENS!! I don't care if we have to drive 1.5 hours to get to her...I will! I was that impressed! My mama agrees.
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I go back to see Dr.S in one month. That way we should have some idea about how Effexor is working for me. Dr.S also agreed with homebound.
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About the homebound situation- I was approved by the committee, but we are not waiting on the principal to appove it. He has the final say so. :) I have a good feeling about this.

-Haley

It's been forever!

I haven't updated in a long time. Well, I'm 18 now. My birthday was this past Saturday. Not much new with me though. I am still struggling with depression, as well as anxiety. My panic attacks are more frequently and the depression is worse. I can't take anymore. My parents are trying to get me put on homebound until Christmas vacation ends (January 9). Homebound is where a teacher comes to your house everyday to give your work and tests. That's the only solution that we can think of. I come home crying everyday and I don't know why. I have the perfect life, but something is bothering me. I have no clue what it is. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I cannot take anymore. I need to take care of me now and teach myself that I come first. It's getting harder and harder to get out of bed every single day. The homebound committee meets Wednesday so hopefully I will have all of my paper work completed. The hardest part is getting in touch with my doctors before then. Another bad thing is that my academic classes are the last 2 classes of the day and I am normally frazzled by then. I don't no why I am having such a hard time with this. I am in the process of changing doctors now. I have got to get all of this figured out before I start college next fall, possibly even this summer. *****************************

On a happier note, I did get my senior pictures back:
Later guys, Haley

I haven't updated in a while...

I have bronchitis, always something, right? Other than that I've been pretty busy.

All of these are on Ebay except the last one.
There is also something else that I would like to post: There is a 15 month old baby named Lindsey that was just diagnosed with liver cancer. Here is her site.
We are trying to help her as much as possible because insurance isn't covering a lot of her tests and surgeries. If you would like to donate money to her family, please email me at: haley__king@alltel.net All checks are made out to Lindsey's mom. Any amount is helpful, whether it's $5 or $50.
Here are 2 auctions that are raising money for her. If you can bid on them, please do!
Auction #1
Auction #2

The Homecoming dance is this weekend. I will update again then with pictures. :)
-Haley

Why couldn't I have been a boy?

After severe PMSing, bloating, non-stop eating, and cramping I want to be a guy! LOL Kidding, of course. But really, this sucks! I have been a walking, talking grizzly bear for the last few days. LOL Phillip pissed me off last night for no good reason so I hung up on him and wouldn't answer his call. haha I said "I told you not to piss me off!!" LOL I know he hates this time of the month. I do too, I do too.
Anyways, I have been enjoying my 3-day weekend, other than ^^that^^. :) I have been scrapping. I made THIS dog album
and THIS cat album.

I also ordered my homecoming dress.
I still need some shoes (silver kitten heels) and some big silver/teal earrings.

My sales on Ebay have been going really well. So help me decide to I want this new Dooney (had to get picture from Ebay. Couldn't save pic on Dooney.com)
Or do I want tons of new scrap supplies? I can't decide.

-Haley

I've been busy!

I just finished 3 hours worth of accounting homework. I am so tired. UGH I hate that stuff. I sure do hope I pass the test tomorrow. :)
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A sweet lady on the Cricut board sent me the pattern to make a dustcover for my Cricut so I made this the night before last:
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Phillip is coming home tomorrow! WOO HOO! :) I am so excited. We have a dance Saturday so we will actually get to be together for 2 nights. I ordered a dress from Nordstrom. I love it.It is at the dry cleaners being steamed right now. I have to pick it up tomorrow. I can't wait until Saturday. :) I will be sure to take tons of pictures and post them.

-Haley

It's been a scrap therapy day for me...

This LO was about a broken friendship. It was EXTREMELY hard to make this.

Journaling reads:
to lose a friendship over something silly. We are both guilty, but we need to get over this and move on. I am hurt. I want my best friend back. I could trust you. I had some of the best times of my life with you. I laughed with you and I cried with you. I want you to know that I would do anything for us to be as close as we were before. It bothers me that you act like you don’t care. You don’t want to talk about it. I feel like I’ve been replaced- and I think I have. I am scared. I am worried. I want everything to be back to normal. We have too much invested to pretend like nothing is wrong. We need to get through this. Together. I am tired of crying. It’s up to you now. I have tried and tried and you aren’t giving me the time of day. So I give up. If this is what you want then fine, have it your way, but I want you to know I care. I want my best friend back. The tag under the flowers reads: I see your true colors shining through. -Cyndi Lauper

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This is a LO about my depression. It wasn't an easy one to make. This picture was taken last night. I used it because I was faking a smile, which is what I normally do. I was out with some friends and was upset about something *see LO before this one* so I wasn't nearly as happy as I look. When I look at it, it reminds me of the mask that I put on every morning before I leave.

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This next LO is about how I really need Phillip right now. The date on my camera is obviously wrong, please ignore.
Journaling reads:
I need you now, more than ever. I am really going through some tough times. This depression is kicking my butt. I need you to listen. I need you to try to understand. I need you to talk to me. I don’t mean some things that I say and you know that. I can trust you so I want to confide in you. I need you to be considerate. I am going through the toughest time of my life. I need you to be here for me.


Thanks for looking. Haley

It's 1:00 and I just got home.

6:30 a.m. - 1:00 a.m. sure does make a long day. I am so tired. I went out with a ton of friends tonight. We went to eat at Loco's and then went to see World Trade Center, not the best movie to see when you are depressed. It just made me think. I want my Phillip make home with me. I want my best friend to laugh and cry with. I want her to know that I miss her and I want her to be a part of my life, but she doesn't seem to care. Life is too short to live this way. I am crying as I write this because I am so unhappy. I am not unhappy with life, with with a couple of situations that I am having to deal with. I laughed more tonight than I have in a long time, but it hurt so much to see my best friend on the opposite end of the table acting like I never existed. It hurt. Bad. I feel like I've been replaced by some 2-faced bitch- and I have. Thank goodness Phillip is coming home next Saturday. I need him right now. Now more than ever before. I am sick of crying. I am sick of worrying. I am sick of being dissapointed. I am sick of people in general. I want to be happy again. I don't know if I should try to talk to *L* about our friendship or if I should just let her be. She knows I love her. I would give anything for us to be as close as we were before. I honestly do not know what to do. I'm scared and I'm worried. I don't know what's happening to me. :( I hate this feeling.

Back to the doctor I went...

What's new, right? I feel like an 80 year old in a 17 year old's body. UGH So I haven't been sleeping and I've been extremely anxious. I know some of this has to do with Phillip moving away to go to college and the other part has to do with my best friend and I fighting for over a week now. I was fine, until I started talking to my doctor. Then I cried like a baby. I keep asking myself "Why me?". Why do I have to be depressed and have anxiety issues? I have an awesome life with awesome parent's that will always support what I want/need. I have no reason to be depressed. I have no reason to be anxious. No reason at all. I am scheduled for counselling on the 25 of this month and I am to go once a week, every week until told other wise. My doctor gave me something to sleep (nothing like ambien or lunesta). It is supposed to relax me and calm me down. He also took me off the Xanax and gave me something stronger. I told him that I only take the Xanax Monday-Friday and I don't take any on the weekends. I also told him that life was to short to suffer through this when I can take a little pill to solve everything for now. I will not stop taking them when I need them. I will not. I will change doctors before I do. Feeling anxious is the worst feeling in the world and I am NOT going to suffer through it. I am doing what I can to help myself by going to counselling. I am not suicidal and I have not thought about hurting myself. It may have control of me now, but not that much control.
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I keep telling myself this:
If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.

I got this quote in an email yesterday and I love it.
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On a happier note: I am going to go out with a bunch of friends tomorrow night to see a movie. It should be fun.
-Haley

Phillip came to visit today.

He is going to school about 2.5 hours away. :( I don't get to see him much anymore. He got home last night around 12:00. We spent all day together today. I went to his house about 12:00 today and he just left town about 30 minutes ago. (6:00) It was so nice to see him. He wanted to watch this King Tut movie that I wasn't into so I fell asleep in his arms. It felt right. I always do okay for the time that he's away, but when he comes back and leaves again is the hardest. If he doesn't come back down this coming up weekend, he will be down the next (the 26th) because we have a school dance to go to. We love each other dearly and I really thing we are going to be okay while we are under these circumstances. It feels so good to feel secure.
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This is one of my favorite pictures of us.

So this week was the first week of school.

It has gone fairly well. I am happy with my classes and teachers. And the GREAT news is for these 18 weeks I shouldn't have very much homework, if any at all.
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On a bitchy note..it AMAZES me the number of people that already have senioritis. They are like "Har Har Look at those little freshman kids." Dumbass. We were there 3 years ago! I am a senior too and I just don't see the point of acting so stuck up to under classmen. They are scared just like we were. They get lost just like we did. Just because we are big bad seniors doesn't mean we are better than anyone! I swear some of these people act like they have won the Presidential election or something. *eyeroll*
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I did get my Cricut in the mail last Friday and I have been playing with it everyday, except for once. :) I love it. It is so easy to use. I also haven't had any problems with my cutting mats like everyone else seems to be having. I do have a spare pack just in case though. :)
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ETA: I thought I would add my latest LO too. :)


That's all for now.
-Haley

Pick up your own shit!

I am so sick of picking up after everyone around here. A flipping BUCKET does not belong on the counter! Neither do rechargable batteries! GRR There have been these fishing things on the desk in the kitchen for like 3 weeks. Seriously! Actually, it's just my daddy and brother bugging the shit out of me. My mama isn't bothering me. I cannot wait to get out of the house tomorrow and have some ME time. I am going to go to the mall and WM. I deserve it.
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On a happier note: My mama told me to go ahead and order the Cricut die cutting machine that I've been wanting since I've been helping her since she broke her elbow. :) :) I can't wait. Only 2 more days. Here is a link.
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Update on mama: She got her "after-surgery cast" off yesterday. She also got her staples out. She had about 30 of them. The incision is about 7 inches long on the OUTSIDE of her elbow. I thought they would do it in the inside of the elbow, but obviously not. We went today to get her a hinged cast so she can start to bend her elbow little by little. She will be in this cast for 8 weeks. We thought she was going to be in a regular hard cast first, but the doctor decided against it. So the hinged cast will be the last cast she has to have. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since her surgery on her elbow, so considering that she is doing remarkably well. :)

Thanks for reading. -Haley

We've had a pretty rough week.

My mama broke her elbow last Tuesday night and had to have surgery Thursday afternoon. She can't really do anything so I've had to take over. I am so overwhelmed. I still have to go school shopping too. Thankfully, we have had friends bring dinner almost every night. My daddy is at work all day and my brother is never really home- so here I am. Stuck in my house for over a week. Last night I took everything out on Phillip :( and I cried. I cried myself to sleep. Phillip told me that he would come help me when he gets back in town, but I don't really need help. I just need to get out for a little while. Not only am I having to be the mommy around here, I feel like my best friend has totally put me on the back burner. Nothing hurts more than that. :( Truthfully, I am ready to go back to school. It's not my mama's fault and I am not taking it out on her. I would gladly do anything to help her, but it is everyone else. I will be so glad when everything is back to normal around here.

I have been up since 5:30 this morning!

I have been in bed for 3 days with a fibromyalgia flare-up and that's what woke me up at 5:30 this morning. I was/am miserable. I finally woke my mama up at about 9:30 and told her that I had to get to the chiropractor. He helped reduce some pressure, but nothing major yet. I have to go back to him Monday. When I got home I took a nice, hot bath and tried to relax a little. I bought some stuff called Bio Freeze from the chiropractor and it works wonders!! If you have any chronic pains I would suggest using this for temporary relief! When I went to my cousin's wedding this past weekends I slept on the floor for 2 nights and I know that this has contributed to my flare-up, but I'm trying not to complain too much because I haven't had a problem with my fibro in nearly 2 years! :) I must be doing something right! LOL

-Haley

I know this is nothing to be mad about, but...

I AM MAD! Phillip is out of town visting family and I told him to call me around lunch because I am leaving for a wedding today and won't be able to talk much...I tried to call him like 5 times and it rang and rang. So at like 2:10 he finally calls me back!! GRRR He KNEW I was leaving and that I wanted to talk to him! He calls and says...I can't talk my phone is going dead! I forgot to charge it last night... UGH! The way I see it is that if he wanted to talk to me he would find a way. He has been gone since Wednesday and I miss him. He will come home Saturday night and I won't be albo to see him until Sunday. I didn't sleep well last night and I am very moody. I just want to cry. Sorry for the vent about nothing.

Cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning!

Yesterday I washed 5 loads of clothes and I folded 7 loads. (2 that had been sitting forever! LOL) I am so sick of clothes, but I still have one more load to go. GRR! I got so tired of folding clothes yesterday that I made a "give to charity" pile. LOL I also scrubed my bathroom and my bathtub. I put clean sheets on my bed, washed my rugs, and unloaded the dishwasher. I cleaned up my room a little bit too. I can finally relax today because I have nothing to do. I am going over to Phillip's house and we may go watch some fireworks tonight.
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I haven't scrapped much lately, other than gifts and stuff. I did finally get to an effer dare though! It was fun. I am hoping to do the ScrapLyric layouts this week. Maybe tomorrow. I am so unorganized. I think if I was organized it would make me want to scrap. I did order a cart with 15 drawers so maybe when it gets here (it's on backorder) I will finally want to scrap again!
Here is my Effer Dare LO:

Sorry it's been so long..

I just got back from the beach yesterday. It was an unexpected trip. One of my mom's friends wanted me to go so I could entertain her 13 year old and her friend and she could relax. We had fun, but I am so tired! It was all that I could do to get out of bed today. I really wasn't feeling "beachy". We stayed right on the beach and I only walked down there once! LOL I stayed at the pool most of the time. It was so nice and the scenery was GORGEOUS!
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I also got the results back from my CT scan. They were normal so all is well!! :) Thank you for the prayers.
I will post again soon!
-Haley

I'm having a CT scan tomorrow...

I have a cyst on my brain and we are just making sure that it's not growing. If it is growing I will most likely have to have brain surgery and may never be "myself" again. I have a feeling everything will be okay though.

Please keep me in your prayers!
Thanks- Haley

I'm a zombie...

My doctor increased my anti-depressants and I am feeling like a zombie today. Phillip doesn't seem to understand that I just don't feel good and I want to be alone. Ugh I hope this gets better SOON! I feel so doped up...

If it makes you feel better do it...

but not letting minors buy spray paint, markers, glue, or w/e isn't going to solve a damn thing. If I wanted to "huff" I could find some cleaning product in my house. You can tell WM wouldn't let me buy spray paint, eh? I mean really! What in the world does that solve? NOTHING! I could go sniff Lysol if I wanted...I don't really need spray paint or anything similar, but I do need the spray paint for a Father's Day present! LOL Not to mention that I could take a bottle of rubber cement to the WM bathroom if I was really desperate! Think people! You are causing more trouble than it's worth! Sooner or later you will have to be 18 to buy flippin' gas!

Update on my grandma.

She is doing better, but is still in the hospital. Prayers are still needed and welcomed. We all hope that God will spare her life once again.

Thank you. Haley
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I also wanted to post our professional Prom picture that I have been forgetting to post! :)

My grandma is in the hospital again... :(

She just turned 72 and has pneumonia. She is not doing good at all. Please say a prayer for her. We may have to go to the hospital in the middle of the night. If we don't go then, I think we will go tomorrow. This is so unexpected because she was doing SOOO good on Mother's Day. :(

Thank you for the prayers.
-Haley

I love being a lazy bum...

I have been sleeping ALL day! LOL I cleaned up my room and my bathroom yesterday, washed my sheets, and cleaned up the computer desk in my scraproom just so I could be a lazy ass today! I also did some other things that had been bothering me..I cleaned out my Internet bookmarks, deleted some old/worthless documents, organized my picture files and needed documents, and I extracted about 50 fonts on my computer. LOL My parents came in around 12:00 last night from their Alaskan cruise so they are being lazy too. I think I am about to get a shower and then go watch more lifetime at 9:00. :)

Have a good night!
-Haley

Prom was AWESOME! :)

We had so much fun last night. Everything was perfect. We were on time for everything, everyone got along, and everyone had a good time. We all stayed up so late- some even stayed up all night. I am exhausted and ready to crawl into bed! LOL I am sad that it is over, but I know it is something that I will always, always remember!
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Here are some pictures:

Phillip and I broke up. :(

I am still in shock and feel like I've been beaten with a steel pole. :(

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This kind of sums up how I'm feeling..this is also the song I listened to on the way home from his house. :(
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WHAT HURTS THE MOST- RASCAL FLATTS
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother meI can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the mostIs being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to doWhat hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk awayAnd never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to doNot seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

Drama filled night....

Prom is in May and we are still trying to get the limos and stuff together...well our limo is in a brat's name. It's no secret that we don't get along very well, but most people know that SHE is the problem. I am always nice to her and I don't call names unless she presses my buttons...Well, yesterday in 1st period we wrote 4 pages worth of notes back and forth and she was being a bitch the whole time, while I was keeping my cool and trying to see what the problem was. She told me that Phillip and I were kicked off the limo because "No one wants ME on there". I knew that was a lie, but I didn't argue- I just let it go. I was worried about it all day because I did nothing wrong and I was friends with everyone on the limo and wanted to spend prom night with them. She had someone bring me my money back in the middle of 4th period (Childish, eh?). No problem. I didn't say anything when I got home because I didn't want my mama to get upset. I called the girl AT LEAST 30 times and she wouldn't answer. I FINALLY got to talk with her and she was an ass. So I lost it, I went in the living room bawling. My parents had flames coming from their ears! They were PISSED! So mama called the girl's mama to get to the bottom of it. The girls mama's put her on the phone and she said matter of factly "I am in charge of the limo and I will kick anyone off that I want, besides no one wants Haley on there anyway!" So mama said "Well, I don't want Haley were she isn't wanted." So my parents told me that Phillip and I would just have our own limo. Which was fine, but I still wanted to be with my friends. My best friend finally got out of musical practice and was pissed! So she made some phone calls and found out that "the brat" was being told by everyone on the limo what a bitch she was by kicking us off. She then decided that she could find a better limo. So she is know "kicked off" and I'm back on. Being a bitch doesn't pay off afterall! Needless to say, I've been smiling all day!!!!! I bet she feels pretty stupid. LOL I hate high school....

Ahhh..

I'm sick...AGAIN and miserable! Taking a shower or anything like that sucks the freakin' life out of me!! I went to the doctor Friday and was given antibiotics and cough medicine, but told that if what I had was viral the antibiotics won't help...well obviously w/e I have is viral because I still feel like SHIT! I missed school Thursday and Friday and stayed in the bed ALL weekend...I tried to go to school Monday, but I couldn't stand it. I didn't go today, but I will be going tomorrow. If I feel like shit at home..I will feel like shit x5 at school, but I really need to go.

Christmas pictures...

Better late than never, right? :)

**Opening presents**

**Me excited over my iPod!!**

**Tiny ready to go back to bed**

**My jacket from Abercrombie!**

**Opening more presents**

**My Dior Addict 2 perfume**

**My mama crying over a gift that I made her!**

**My HUGE mess! Yes, this is just MY mess**

**Playing with my iPod**

**Opening more presents**

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Here are some better pictures of what I got:

**Flipper the fish**

**Stocking stuffers**

I also got some jeans and a few more shirts that were not in the pictures. :)