I can't help but be sad on Christmas..

It's natural to wonder about others in the world and wonder what they are doing for Christmas. I can't help but think of the children and families that will wake up to nothing tomorrow. It makes me so sad and a feel so selfish. We have thousands of dollars sitting up under our tree for just a family of 4 and some can barely afford food and a warm outfit. :( Yeah, I give to people standing on the side of the road with signs, give all unwanted clothes away to charity, and give food to those in need, but there are some that will still wake up to nothing tomorrow. Presents are not what Christmas is about, but it is fun to give and receive. I hope that those that have nothing, or very little tomorrow, know that presents do not matter and that they will keep in mind the TRUE meaning of Christmas. I could get nothing and still be totally happy because I have a wonderful family and the love of God.
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Please remember the true meaning of Christmas tomorrow as you are surrounded with gifts.
Merry Christmas! -Haley

YAY! We went Christmas shopping! :)

Phillip and I decided to go Christmas shopping for ME today! :) I already had all of his gifts. We had a blast. Although I thought I was about to lose my life on the interstate quite a few times. LOL I hate his driving!

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Being the impatient little kiddos that we are, we opened our gifts today! :) LOL As soon as we walked in the door! It was a lot of fun. I think he has made up for the little incident last Friday night! ;)

Here are some pictures of Phillip with his biggest gift (the coat from AE), although he got TONS more, and me with the blanket that he gave me and the rest of my gifts from him:

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Phillip with his coat!

The best blanket ever!! It's suede-like on both sides! AWESOME!!! :) I am ready to crawl into bed with it! LOL

Both sides of the blanket

2 scarves and a leather belt from AE

Belt buckle part of the belt. LOVE IT!

Had to order this shirt because it wasn't in the AE store, but it's on its way! :) Goes with the rainbow scarf.

Another shirt from some weird store! It's really cute though. :)

Detail of shirt.

Shirt from Aeropostale.

Pink crystal charm bracelet. So adorable!

So this is my Christmas from Phillip! :) I love every bit of it! I should, I picked it out! LOL ;)

-Haley

Merry freakin' Christmas to you too!!

Phillip and I have been planning to be together tonight (Friday night) since last weekend because he doesn't get off work very often. So, after counselling today my mama and I went to the mall to get some dress clothes for when I go to my internship thing at the hospital. While we were shopping Phillip called me and told me that he was going out of town to eat with some friend and didn't invite me. It pissed me off because #1 he cancelled OUR plans and #2 because he didn't invite me. Being the bitch I am, I hung up on him! :) He called back about 10 minutes later and told me I was over-reacting! RIGHT! Then he invited me to go with them, um hell no. I told him I didn't want to be his 2nd choice and that I would rather stay at home. So we got off of the phone and he called me back about 40 minutes later. I continued to let him know how pissed I was and he is still telling me that I am over-reacting! He's like "You can't get mad because I invited you!". We are ALWAYS with friends!!! We were supposed to have some time to ourselves tonight. Freakin' asshole. So, am I over-reacting or would you be mad to? Remember, he is NEVER off work so we don't have much time together! We are going Christmas shopping for me Tuesday. I am going to break his ass! HAHAHA Jerk.

Please pray for my grandma...

She is not doing very well. :(
Latest update:

**12/8 Update! We went to see my grandma today. She is in ICU so they had wonky visiting hours, which I can understand. When we finally were able to go back to see her I lost it. I couldn't start crying. I am her youngest grandchild so all my cousins have been able to grow up with her, KWIM? It was really hard, but she is doing better. She is nodding her head and opening her eyes so that made me feel better. When we went in the 2nd time she wanted to talk, but cannot because she is on the respirator (sp?) and has the tracheotomy. It was a VERY sad situation to see, but I feel like that she will make it. I am just extremely thankful that I got to talk to her and tell her how much I love her. I also have a bracelet that says "Faith" and I will be wearing it EVERYDAY until she gets out of the hospital and back to normal. Thanks again everyone!

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**12/7 Update! My grandma is doing worse. My daddy just got home and said she hasn't spoken all day, is on a machine to breath for her, and has double pneumonia. I am staying out of school tomorrow so that we can go see her. PLEASE, PLEASE CONTINUE TO PRAY!!!! I don't know what to think. This is so sad. I don't want her to suffer, but I am being selfish and I want her here with me. :(

Whole thread about her..
http://twopeasinabucket.com/mb.asp?cmd=display&thread_id=1500719

Thank you all for your prayers! They are desperately needed.
-Haley

Haven't posted in a while..

Stole from another blogger! :)

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT. My major scar is from emergency surgery for a perforated stomach in 2003. I bitch about it a lot, but my parent's tell me the surgeon was worried about saving my life, not my looks. When I get order I will have it fixed.
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2. NAME 7 THINGS IN YOUR ROOM: My bed, stuffed animals, pictures, my desk that I never use, an exercise machine that I use as a clothes rack, my TV, and a medusa (sp?) lamp.
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3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE? It's cool. It's a picture phone and it used to have a pretty flower cover on it, but I had to take it off because it was screwing my phone up. Now I just have the ugly cover that came with it.
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4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO? Lots of different types. Rap when I am happy, new country when I am sad, rock at all times, etc.
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5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? Nope. I should ask.. LOL
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6. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FORWARD TO THE MOST IN THE NEXT 6 MONTHS? This semester ending and Christmas holidays beginning. :)
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7. WHAT DO YOU MISS? My grandma. I miss her so much.
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8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION? My dog, Tiny. I love her to death!
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9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL? Candles..sweet pea candles.
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10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? Yeah, somewhat. Not too bad. **********************************
11. IF YOU DIED TOMORROW: I'd die young...
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12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? My mama. I was having a bad day.
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13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME? Dior Addict 2
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14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? Up to date hairstyles..no mullets.
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15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT? Not sure. Somewhere private after a romatic date.
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16. DO YOU LIKE PORN? Um...no.
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17. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD? Probably my boyfriend. LOL I love it.
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18. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE? Nope.
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19. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU? The only thing I can remember is a Christmas dress from my mama's dad. I never got to know him. He died when I was young.
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20. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? Yeah, live for the moment.
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21. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? SHOW THEM! I'm not sure.
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22. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED: 7
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23. WHAT IS THE LAST TEXT MSG YOU RECEIVED? One from my friend..we were talking about the cheerleading comp. yesterday!
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24. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN? My boyfriend's house and my mama's cell phone.
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25. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? I don't know...I am easily annoyed. LOL
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26. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE US? Nope.
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27. YOUR WEAKNESSES? Food. LOL I should go on a diet.
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28. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Georgia
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29. FIRST JOB? I have never had a job.
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30. WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? A teacher. Things have changed. HAHA
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31. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS SURVEY? Eating supper.
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32. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD IT BE? A boob job.
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33.WHY DID YOU FILL THIS SURVEY OUT? I haven't posted in a while and I am bored.
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34. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? My hair and my "flawless" skin. I don't see it. LOL
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35. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL? It is illegal to me. I am 17.
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36. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? My birthday was in November, but I want an Ipod video of Christmas!
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37. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? 3- 2 girls and a boy
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38. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My middle name was from my great-grandmother.
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39. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Yeah, kinda silly.
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40. IF YOU COULD PUT 5 BANDS TOGETHER TO PLAY A CONCERT, WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE? I don't know..
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41. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? I cried last week. I was having a bad day.
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42. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yeah.
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43. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO RETIRE? Let me get a job and then tell you! ;)**********************************
44. ANY BAD HABITS? Worrying.
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45. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? Hanson! :O I don't listen to it! LOL
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46. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes, although I can be a real bitch.
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47. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL? Yeah.
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48. DO LOOKS MATTER? Yep.
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49. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? Cry or sleep. I really like to sleep when I am mad, but I normally do both.
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50. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? My mama's best friend's house.
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51. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? No. I have to know them for a while.
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52. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Probably my babydoll that my grandma got me. It was one of those life-like dolls. I can't remember the name..something Maddison, I think.
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53. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE? Don't know.
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54. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Yeah
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55. EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT? Nope
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56. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? Whether they are nice or not.
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57. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Barbie
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58. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I hardly ever wear shoes that tie so no.
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59. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU HAVE STRONG POINTS? Yeah
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60. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Chocolate
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61. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE? anywhere from an 8 to a 10
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62. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS? Pink
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63.HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? None, took care of that in 2003.
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64. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW? My boyfriend. I haven't seen him this weekend.
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65. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? Yep!
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66. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? A Secret commercial.
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67. LAST THING YOU ATE? Turkey
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68. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My boyfriend.
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69. IF YOU WERE GIVEN $100, WHAT WOULD YOU GO BUY? Anything that I wanted when I saw it! :)
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71. WHO DO YOU THINK IS OVERRATED? Vera Bradley
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72. FAVORITE DRINK? Dr. Pepper
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73. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? hmm
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74. WHAT ARE YOUR NEW YEARS EVE PLANS?: Not sure..let's get to Christmas first.
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75. WHERE WAS YOUR LAST VACATION?: July or August..went to my mama
s best friend's house.
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76. WHAT INSPIRES YOU?: People that never give up.
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77. SIBLINGS? A brother
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78. FAVORITE MONTH? December. I love this time of year.
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79. YOU LIKE SUSHI? GAG! So gross!
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80. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? I accuse on Lifetime.
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81. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Christmas day..very "homey" day. LOVE IT!
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82. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Dunno. Same boyfriend for nearly 4 years.
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83. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter
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84. KISSES OR HUGS? Hugs
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85. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? Relationships
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86. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Killing Mr.Griffin for my Lit. class..
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87. WHERE DO YOU WORK? No where!
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88. WHATS YOUR MAJOR? Still in high school!
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89. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Lifetime movies..
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90. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE UP? I don't want to go to school!

I am thankful...

I am thankful for tons of thing. I am thankful for God and his unconditional love! We would be NOTHING without Him and His love. I am thankful for my wonderful parents. They are better than I could have ever imagined. Heck, my mama even cleaned my room and my bathroom the other day! :) I am thankful for my big brother, although he REALLY bothers me at times, but he is great. He watches out for me, sometimes a little too much. I am thankful for my boyfriend, Phillip. He puts up with my crap time and time again, but loves me more for it. He spoils me rotten and loves doing it. I am thankful for my friends because the love me for me. I am thankful for my dog, Tiny. She makes me happy when I am sad. She knows when something is wrong and stays near to make it better and it is so clear that she loves me. She is another somebody that loves me for me. I am also thankful for my grandma and papa who died in 2001. They know I love them more than life and they can hear me when I lay in bed and cry because I miss them. They can hear me when I talk to them and when I apoligize for the things that I did wrong to them. They would be so proud of their little girl for standing up for everything that she believes in. I am thankful for my best friend, Linsey. She listens to my cry and comforts me when I am down. We stay together throughout all of the other lost friendships. I love my other grandma, "Bubba". She is a pain sometimes, but who isn't? I love her dearly and wish that I could see her more often because she is the other grandparent I have left. :( I am thankful for everything that I have. Our house, money, food, our cars, and all of our worthless material things that make each of us happy. I am thankful for my doctor because without his devotion to his job I wouldn't be here today. I am thankful for this whackjob computer and my cell phone because I am able to vent my frustrations. I am thankful for the volume on my car stereo because it allows me to get lost in the music when I don't want to be found.

I love all of these people more than life and I wouldn't be the same person I am today without them!!

Update..

Thursday my doctor gave me a cough syrup and took me off a med. that I was already on. I do feel better, but I am not well. I am still running a fever, but I am going to school tomorrow anyway because I missed 4 days last week. Good thing we only go Monday and Tuesday and then are out for Thanksgiving!! Tomorrow will be one week since I first got sick. I am so ready to be over this!!

Home again...

I have another doctor's appt. at 3:00 because I am getting WAY worse. I feel awful. I want to cry and sleep for a few days. I woke up this morning around 4:00 and started watching TV at 5:20. This is so unlike. I am ready to get well. :( I coughed ALLLL night. I am so miserable.

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I will try to update later tonight with what my doctor says.

I have been sick with a fever for 2 days...

Yesterday I went to school all day and I knew I had a fever and was sick, but I stayed anyway so I wouldn't get behind. Today I tried to go to just my academic classes, but only stayed about an hour and a half. It was horrible. I was sweating like a pig because I had a fever. So I just got back from the doctor and we aren't sure what it is. I have some upper respiratory infection and some bronchitis..so I am being treated for both. I feel like shit and was told by my doctor to stay out of school tomorrow too. To make matters worse, I have a 1500-2000 word term paper due Friday!!!!!

So here is my bitch list for today:

**Don't bring 3 kids in the damn post office and let them run around like animals weaving in and out of line and through people and not say a WORD to them!!!! WTF is wrong with people?!

**Don't try to pass me(or run into me) on a ONE lane street and look at me like I'm the dumbass- you old hag!

**Oh, and is there any FRIENDLY receptionists in the world anymore? Or is that too much to ask?

Ahh, I feel better! I should have coughed on all of their asses!!

Another day...

I haven't been on much this week because I've been pretty busy. I didn't take ANY Xanax Monday or Tuesday! GO ME! :) I did have to take 2 yesterday though. I had a panic attack today, even though I had already taken 1 Xanax. I stayed at school as long as I could, but ended up coming home about 12:00. I came home and went straight to bed and slept until about 3:15. I feel better now, but still need to rest. Those damn panic attacks screw me up. I have no homework tonight so I have plenty of time to rest. I thought I was doing SOOO much better with my anxiety..guess not. :(

More from yesterday!

Yesterday was GREAT!! My parents woke me up at 6:40 and told me to come in there room because they had a present for me! Not a bad way to wake up, huh? :) So I went in there and they told me to just open all of them! :) :) I got a pair of Silver jeans, 2 jackets, 5 shirts, 2 pairs of shoes, 4 pairs of earrings, 1 necklace, some beaded bracelets, 2 belts, a scarf, and the purse that Phillip bought me! (It came today! It is GORGEOUS!!!!!!!!) I got to school and my cell phone rang and it was my best friend singing happy birthday!! HOW SWEET!! She is great! :) My boyfriend was so sweet too! Then I walked into class and was greeting with so many happy birthdays!! It was so great. It's actually the only really good day that I've had in a long time. So the day was great and my boyfriend and I were talking as we were leaving school and I said "That is bullshit!!!" about something we were talking about and the freakin' principal heard me!! GRRRR So I was written up and now have 3 days of restricted lunch!! At least I don't have I.S.S. :) Oh well, it will be a good diet because I sure as hell am not eating a cheese & bologna sandwich! LOL After school I took a nap and then my family, Phillip, and I went out to eat a my favorite seafood restaurant. :) It was YUUMMMMY!!! So that was my day!

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This is a picture from yesterday when I was leaving to go to school. It's not the best picture, but it's a picture! :)

It's my brithday!!!

Today is my birthday!!!! :)

I got lots of cool presents and it's been a great day! :)

Update on my counselling stuff...

I went to counselling again today. She suggested that we increase the Paxil because it is hitting me full force again. :( I have been really down and REALLY feeling depressed. My anxiety is way better though. No panic attacks in like 2 weeks...I think. I have been being a hermit and staying home all the time! I am even turning my boyfriend down. :( It makes me feel awful because I know he doesn't really understand, even though he acts like he does. I come home and sleep after school until pretty late on most days and can and will sleep until 1 or 2 on the weekends if I am not disturbed. This is so unlike me. I used to sleep late, but never THIS late! I have been snapping on everyone...my parents, friends, boyfriend, and even teachers. :( Again, SOOO unlike me. It's like I am PMSing 24/7! I would rather be alone than with anyone now. That's why I am on here so much. I hate that. So this weekend I am MAKING myself go out with my best friend one night and my boyfriend another night. Because lately Lifetime has been my best friend. :( When I DO go out all I want to do is come back home. I really hate to talk about it because it gets me even more down than I already am and with me being the perfectionist that I am, I pretend everything is perfect anyway, which is not good.

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After counselling, my mama and I went to the mall. She bought me some more stuff for my birthday because I knew everything that I got on the last time and she wanted me to have some surprises. :) That was fun. I can't have them until Thursday! I can't wait. My parent, my boyfriend, and I are all going out to eat Thursday night to my favorite local restaurant. That day should be a great day. Hopefully I won't have any homework. After going to the mall we went to eat at Krystal! YUMMY! Those corn pups are so freakin' good.

**HALEY**

Chill kids, chill!

Ring the doorbell or knock,

but choose just one!

We are on our way to to the door.

Chill out. The candy will not run away.

:) - Haley

Why do I constantly push myself?

I have been doing homework since noon. Why? Because I told myself that I would. I have this book to read by Friday. It's 59 chapters and we have to take notes on every chapter. I always set a goal when I read because I feel like it's easier to get it done. So I set my goal for page xx, but when I meet that goal I don't feel like it's enough so I set a new one for page xxx. WHY!?! You would think that I would be satisfied with meeting the first goal, but hell no. I push myself. I hate that about me. The book is so unbelievably boring and I don't push myself because I enjoy reading or because I find the book interesting. I don't know why I do it. If I didn't meet the second goal I would feel like such a failure! I wish that I could be satisfied, but I am not and I probably will never be because I have been doing these same things since I could walk. Maybe things like this have put me where I am in life, which is a good place to be, but it still bothers me. I have high goals for myself and I know that I am capable of everything that I set my mind to and that every single goal of mine will be met, but I am killing myself while doing this. It just eats at me and eats at me. Me and my "goals" is why I am so stressed and exhausted. My next, much-needed counselling session is Tuesday. We are slowly finding out that I tend to have more panic attacks and stress towards the end of the week.

Random Survey..Post on your blog with your answers!

[HAVE YOU EVER..]
been kissed- Yes
lied to a friend- Yes
dyed your hair- Yes
dressed punk- No
kissed a girl- No
saw something u didn’t want to- Oh yeah!
danced in the rain- No
lied to your parents- Yes
went barefoot in the snow- No
played hockey- No
made your own clothes- No
[IN THE LAST 24 HOURS..]
got in a fight- No
took a shower
gave a dirty look to someone- Yeah
cried- No
did a cartwheel- No
went to school- Yes
shopped- No, but made a wishlist for Christmas
danced- No
got sick- No
did something u regret- No
discovered something new- No
[IN SCHOOL YOU...]
run to class because you’re always late- No
act perfect- No
act hyper- No
are a nerd- No
in band- No
[RIGHT NOW UR..]
in your PJs- Yep
drinking- No
listening to music- No, I was a little bit ago
watching a movie- No
IM’ing someone- Yep
talking on the phone- No
eating- No
[CLOTHES..]
hot topic or Abercrombie and Fitch- A&F
thongs or briefs- briefs
Boxers anyone-No thanks
sweatpants or jeans- Depends on what I am doing...
long-sleeved shirts or short sleeve- Long
tube tops or tanks- Tube tops
[CURRENTLY .. ]
current clothes- PJs
current mood- tired
current music- none
current taste- dry mouth! YUCK
current make-up- None
current thing I ought to be doing- sleeping
[ LAST PERSON .. ]
you hugged- My mama
yelled at- Um...not sure
IM’ed- Talking to Anna now
you touched- Tiny
[ EiTHER/0R .. ]
coffee or hot chocolate- Hot Chocolate
big or little- Little
lace or satin- Satin
new or old- New
vogue or cosmopolitan- Cosmo
skirt or dress- Skirt
wool or cotton- Cotton! LOVE IT!
[DO YOU..]
put on a "front"- Hell no!
have a crush on someone- No
if u got a tattoo where would u get it- :)
[RANDOM Questions..]
what is the online symbol u use the most-***
u have a boyfriend or girlfriend- Yep
who's hotter, Josh Hartnett or Chad Michael Murray- Josh H.
what was the last thing you said- Goodnight
who would u want to be stuck in an elevator with- My boyfriend
do you like stickers- In scrapbooking
do u play with mad libs when you’re bored- uh..no
are you suicidal- No
is your window open- Never
what was the last pair of shoes you bought- dark brown wool-like clogs
do you have a little brother- No
does he draw you cute pictures-n/a
where do your grandparents live- I only have one grandmother left and she live about an hour away from me.
what do you think of when you hear the word click- computer mouse
are you a moron- To some
do you like trampolines- No
have u ever accidentally sucked something up in the vacuum- All the time
did you see American Pie 2- No
do you cut yourself- No

I've been tagged!

I have been tagged by Melissa!

This is the what the tag is for:the Blog Archives and Hidden Meanings meme. The criteria:Delve into your blog archive.Find your 23rd post (or closest to).Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions. Ponder it for meaning, subtext or hidden agendas.Tag five people to do the same.

The 5th line of my 23rd post was...."hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason"

No hidden agenda. That post was actually the lyrics to a song. I love the words though because it is so true!

The 5 lucky bloggers that I am going tag are... Anna, Aimee, Carrie, Shannon, and Jae!

Lookie what Phillip bought me for my bday!

I had never even heard of these bags until Carrie told me about them! :) I can't wait to get it! It is HUGE! 16" X 18" X 4" Hmmm...things like this remind me why I love him so much! :) He will do anything in the world to make me smile! MUAH!

I've had it! I am about to have a nervous break down!!

I am sick of everyone! I am sick of my boyfriend, my parents, my friends, EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like curling up in bed and crying for a couple of hours..or sleeping for a few weeks. :(

I love this song!

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake, can you help me unravel my latest mistake, I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes Like they have any right at all to critisize, hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason 'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button girl, So cradle your head in you hands And breathe, just breathe, Woah breathe, just breathe May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist, Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year. Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while, But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles, Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it. Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button boys, So cradle your head in your hands, And breathe, just breathe, Woah breathe, just breahte There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout But you're just as far in as you'll ever be out These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again If you only try turning around. 2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, its no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand. and breathe, just breathe woah breathe, just breathe, oh breathe, just breathe.

That's why I have it

playing on my blog! :)

So I went to counseling Monday..

and I took a took a little depression test and checked of 3x LESS than I originally had!! :) We are having to play around with the time that I take the Paxil too because I am WAY, WAY too sleepy. Almost everyday I come home and sleep for about 3-4 hours and on the way to counseling (30 mins) I slept and on the way back!! Totally not normal! So I am going to take it in the morning now, instead of at night.

Not much else going on. I am improving daily, which is GREAT! I have only been on the paxil for about 4 weeks and we have been told that it will take around 4-6 weeks to get the full effect.

I bought this for Tiny the other night! I got it off of Ebay.

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I also ordered 2 more things from silverjewelryclub.com:

The ring is for me! :) I am REALLY impressed with the quality!! I got the pink necklace that I ordered a week or so ago (picture in another post) and I LOVE IT!!! Sadly, it's not for me! LOL

I also got the pictures that I ordered from scrapbookpictures.com and I love them. They were a pain in the ass to upload and edit, but the quality is great!!!

Some scrapbook stuff that I ordered came today too!! I ordered some Leaving Prints stuff from Anna and it's awesome!!! :) Can't wait to use it.

My birthday is coming up too!! I am so excited. I will be 17. WOO HOO!

This is for Anna..

because she just started blogging!

I just ordered these too...

The solid silver pair is for a Christmas present and the other pair is my mama's birthday present. The silver pair is supposed to be like 3 inches long and the red pair is supposed to be like an inch and 3/4.

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I have been paying for all of the Christmas presents with my parent's CC (yes, they know), but I paid for the red earrings (mama's b-day present) with my money in PayPal so now I have to get into mama's email to delete to receipt for the payment before she finds it! LOL

Back to my Lifetime movie now! -Haley

So sad...

Over the summer I signed up to be a "Birthday Angel" for little kids with cancer. In most cases cancer is terminal so I wanted to do something to make some child happy. I was lucky enough to get a very sweet and kind family that had a little boy named Eric (9 years old), who had Stage 2 Alveolar Rhabodmoysarcoma. Cancer is very devastating to everyone, even if their lives have never been touched by it, like me. I wanted to make Eric happy. I wanted to make him smile. I noted all of his favorite cartoon characters and all of the things that he loved to do. I even noted everything that his 12 year old sister liked and what his parents liked as well. My mama and I went to Wal*Mart one night and bought loads of stuff to make this loving family happy and to try and help them cope with all that was going on at the time.

Last night, I found out that Eric died on September 10, 2005. He died 3 days before his 10th Birthday. I was so sad. The presents that I got him were the only ones that he got to open because he was determined to wait until his official Birthday. This little boy that I don't even know has made me so happy. I got to do something for him that I have never done for anyone else. I made him happy and I made him smile, just like I wanted to do. Eric had a wonderfully bright smile and as far as I can tell, let NOTHING get him down. I have been touched by this family and I hope I have touched their lives as well.

Here are some pictures of Eric as he is opening his huge box of goodies from me. I love the one of him and the teddy bear.

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2 more things I ordered for Xmas gifts!

I love them!! I want to keep the ring for me! Is that bad? LOL

Poor kitty!!!!! :(

As I was driving to school today I got caught by the red light and was just observing the busy traffic that occurs every morning. It was then that I saw a KITTY! I am talking this little bitty furball that could fit in the palm of your hand! :( The kitty was under a huge truck and the truck was proceeding to turn. I started screaming and crying, but the light was turning so the truck backed up. I couldn't stop at the time because I was in the middle of everyone and the cat was across the intersection! So I went to school and told Phillip that I had to go back and get a cat out of the middle of the road! I went back, hurriedly because I was about to be tardy, and was planning on getting the cat and taking it to my house so that my mama could take care of it, but little did I know when the man in the big truck backed up he got the poor little thing! :) I was tardy, but I didn't get my tardy slip because I slipped into class without the techer seeing me! HAHA It was worth it. Some people at school saw it too and said that an an SUV ran over it's leg before the man got it! :( I hope that kitty is okay!

BLAH BLAH BLAH

This morning I told my mama that I wanted to get the laser hair removal on my eyebrows and she said "But Haley, you are still growing!" Damn mama! I am tired of plucking and waxing! LOL Then, I hit my 3rd toe of the freakin' wall! AHH! It hurts so bad. I hope it's not broken. HAHA I did figure out what I was going to get all of my friends for Christmas. I am going to order them something off of

www.silverjewelryclub.com

They have some really pretty things and they are all so cheap!! I have been watching this site for a while now, but it has finally come in handy! :) I just ordered a necklace. I'm not sure who I will give it to yet though. I hope the quality is good! Anyone know?
Here is what I just ordered:

ETA: I ordered this too!

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I think it is really pretty. I hope the colors are that vibrant IRL.

I SO don't want to go back to school tomorrow!! Hopefully, the week will pass quickly. Next week we only have to go 2 full days and 1 half-day! YAY! We are out all day Thursday and Friday for fall break! :)

Last Tuesday my mama signed up to be an Arbonne consultant. I am so excited. She doesn't work so I think she will enjoy this. I love their facial cleaners and their eyeshadows! We haven't tried much yet, but we have TONS ordered. www.arbonne.com

I promised some pictures of tacky day, so here they are! Again, the date on my camera is wrong. I need to fix that. LOL You can see the cover of my "portfolio" (scrapbook) of all of my poems and stuff in picture #1.

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Here are more from Homecoming... We were being crazy in a raunchy gas station in picture #1! LOL

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Well, I think I have posted enough for today! LOL Now I am going to see if those boiled peanuts are ready! YUMMMMMM! :)

-Haley

Fabulous day!

I woke up at 11:00 and started watching Lifetime and continued to watch until 5:00. There were some great movies today, but they scared me shitless. LOL I don't dig the whole "someone is watching you" thing. LOL I was home alone at the time too. So anyways, at 5:00 I went to my boyfriend's house and we ate, played with the puppy some, and then watched 10 Things I Hate about You. I love that movie! :) We had a great time. We haven't laughed so much in a long time!! It's so hard to believe we will have been together 4 years on February 20! That's such a long time- longer than some stay married! HA! We have our ups and downs, but somehow we always manage to get through them. I am not real sure what that means, but I am following my heart and what I am doing now just feels "right". We are having fun and enjoying ourselves, which, to me, is what we should be doing. I do what makes me happy, nothing more, nothing less. :)

That's all for now. -Haley

The one pair of....

Lucky jeans that I do happen to like are $198!! WTF? The rest of them are $80 or $90 and then I'm like "OOOOOH!!" and then I see the price of the pair that I like!! WAAAAH! :( Never hurts to dream right? I don't mind paying this for a purse, but a freakin' pair of jeans? No thanks!

Aren't they GORGEOUS though??

Wow! I have been so busy.

I had a portfolio due today and we were supposed to have 2 weeks to work on it, but ended up having 1 week so I had to stay up until 1:15 last night and finish! UGH Not to mention the mid-terms yesterday and today! My depression and anxiety is getting better. I did, however, have a panic attack yesterday, but considering the stress with the portfolio and mid-terms that's no big surprise. Now I have a *3-day* weekend to look forward too! No homework, NOTHING! YAY! :) This week is also Homecoming week so we had "spirit week". Monday was PJ day, Tuesday was Retro day, Wednesday was Tacky day, Thursday was Camo day, and Friday was our school colors day! I have some pictures to post of tacky day so I will post them when I get a chance!

UGH! I have been doing homework all day!

Mama woke me up to go to church about 8:45 while she went to Sunday school. At about 9:30 daddy woke me up and told me that I needed to get up because I only had 15 minutes to take a shower and get dressed! UGH Gee thanks! So I didn't get up and I slept until 12:00. I got up and at a bowl of cereal and then started on homework. It took me over 3 hours to do the assignment because the teacher gave us so much. After that, I went to Sonic to get something to eat and then came back home to revise an essay. I need a break. Off to watch Lifetime! WOO HOO

Some TEASER pictures!!

:) The night was great!! I can't post anymore now because we are all leaving to go to the lake for the night with Linsey's parents! FUN FUN I have TONS more and will post later!

The date is wrong on my camera! I didn't notice until the night was almost over!

Breathe Haley, Breathe...

So Homecoming is tomorrow and I am FREAKING OUT! At 9:00 in the morning my best friend and I are going to get manicures and pedicures! AHH! So relaxing! Then we are going to get our eyebrows waxed! Then I am coming back home to sleep for a little bit so I will feel like staying out later. My boyfriend has to work until around 3 or 4 so I have to go get my flowers because the florist closes at 2:00. We have to get pictures sometime between 5:00 and 7:00 and then we will go out of town to eat. (Longhorn, Applebees, or Red Lobster- not sure yet which.) We will then go back to the dance for a while and then leave and do our own thing. It should be lots of fun. We are double dating. I have reminded my boyfriend everything over and over again and I'm sure that I am getting on his nerves, but he's a good sport! :)

As far as my day at school went- I think I had my first panic attack, but not really sure. I thought I was going crazy. I couldn't quit shaking and I was getting chills and crying for no reason at all. Nothing happened. I guess all of the stress of the HC dance and everything. I don't know. It was awful so my teacher told me to call my mama and go home. I told my mama that I felt like a failure for not being able to stay through the day, but I stayed as long as I could.

Some good news- Sonny Perdue requested that all GA schools be cancelled MONDAY AND TUESDAY to help conserve gas. WOO HOO!

I just got back from my boyfriend's house and got to play with his little puppy! His name is Doran! :) SOOO cute and sweet!

So I went to the doctor today...

Yesterday was not a good day. I was holding all of my emotions back at school because I don't like to explain stuff to everyone, but in the last period of the day I started crying so then I leaned back in my seat so no one could see me. Still not sure why I was crying, but I was. I sucked it up and came home. My mama left me a message on my cell telling me to call her when I got in. As soon as I got the message I called her and she asked how my day was and all and I said good, but she could tell that I was lying. I broke down and she told me that she was coming to see about me and for me to go lay in bed and relax until she got there. By the time she got home, my pillow was soaked and I was still crying. She sat on my bed and starting talking to me and I told her some things that were bothering me and she told me some "cheer me ups" and some things to help ease the stress. After crying for nearly 2 hours, I was exhausted. I went to sleep and slept until around 8:00. While I was sleeping, mama called my counselor to update her on the situation and to make sure she was handling in correctly. My counselor then told her that I am now having more symptoms of depression rather than anxiety. (I have both.) Mama also called 1 of my teachers who wasn't aware or the situation.

Today I went to see my doctor and was put on Paxil CR and taken off of Cymbalta (was on 60mg for fibro pain, but is also an anti-depressant). I also got the Xanax refilled and will continue to be on it until I am more stable.

Oh and for the record, this blog is for my online friends. It is not for all of you bitches that feel the need to constantly criticize me. So if you don't like me- don't read my blog. So simple! :)

Another bad one...

This weekend was great! I got plenty of "Me time" and had fun being lazy.

But now Monday rolls around and it's been another bad day for me. I was really feeling overwhelmed and anxious this morning even though I took the Xanax. I decided to go home about 10:30 because I was already starting to cry for no reason and it always gets worse from there. So I came home and went straight to bed and got up at 2:00. I am going to the doctor Wednesday to talk about the anti-depression medication and I am going to counseling Thursday. Homecoming is Saturday and I am so excited about going, but already starting to feel anxious. I HATE HATE HATE crowds so it's a good thing we are only going with one other couple, which happens to be my best friend and her BF (see below).

I just got back from the HS ring ceremony that I was DREADING going to. You would think a $500 ring would get me excited and ready to go, right? WRONG! I guess it is the crowd thing again, but I am glad that I went. I absolutely LOVE my ring!

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It is white gold and the center stone is a pink cubic zirconia.

That's all for now. I have some homework to do.

Lazy days are to come...

I was told by my couselor to be lazy and take time for myself on the weekends because I get so frustrated and anxious during the week due to all of the commotion and such. So I plan on watching Lifetime and taking it easy all weekend. Maybe I can do some scrapping! :) I have been wanting to make another paperbag album so maybe I can make one tomorrow or sometime. I need to finish writing some poems for my creative writing class because we are going to be starting on our scrapbook/portfolio type things Monday! Fun Fun!

I knew it...

Today I was officially diagnosed with depression. :( I knew that this was a possibility, but I never thought **I** would have it. I did a checklist and I have over 75% of the symptoms. I am completely devastated and I will be starting a long term anxiety/depression medication probably tomorrow, but I am to continue to Xanax as needed because I was told that it will take about 4-6 weeks to see if the medication for depression will help me. I am so bummed and mentally exhausted. I told her that I feel bad and lazy when I sleep late and that I feel like I should be doing other things, such a studying. She told me that for now all I need to be doing on the weekends is relaxing and taking care of ME! This is good to hear, but also hard. :( I feel like that since I am young I should be carefree and not worry about anything like all of my friends, but I worry about EVERYTHING!!! I am so tired of it and I just want to be ME again. For now, I am going to go for counseling weekly because I really need it right now. School worries the shit out of me and I am always so irritable. 95% of the time I would just like to run around slapping people because I am so frustrated. I feel like that I have had anxiety problems for some time (at least 1 year), but just recently it has developed into depression. :( I want so badly to be normal and not to worry, but this is just my way and I can’t help it. I guess until we get my depression worked out I will just have to keep myself practically sedated. HA

After counseling today (out of town), my mom took me a mall. I got TONS of clothes and jewelry for my birthday which made me really happy. I got some of the cutest things! Bad thing is I can’t have it until my birthday in November!! I also got some adorable winter shoes and a couple of belts. This town has no Michaels or anything, but I sure do wish they did! Thank you all for your prayers!

It's been a bad day..

First thing this morning we had a "party" in 1st block. We had EVERYTHING to eat! Donuts, creme cheese danishes, and TONS more fattening food! Well, me being me with all of this anxiety stuff going on, felt guilty afterwards because I ate all of that because I am trying to lose a couple of pounds by homecoming (Sept. 24). So I started off worrying about that, but went on about my day, no big deal, right? 4th block rolls around and we had to finish up a test. UGH! Essay questions! I SUCK at essay questions. So, I worry about that too. Then we go to lunch and I normally keep my Xanax in my purse so that I can take it at lunch (Yah, I know it's against school rules, but I don't need a lecture on that.) well stupid me left the bottle of Xanax on that table at my house!! GRRR So by this time I am flipping out like a freak and starting to shake and panic. After lunch, I am extremely irritable and I try to tell my boyfriend how I am feeling, but him never experienced this sort of thing doesn't really realize how bad it can be, which also pisses me off. So I am going to the school nurse now because I know she has some Xanax that my mama gave her for me. When I get there she is eating lunch *EYEROLL* so I have to wait for this lady to finish stuffing her face while I am about to have a flipping panic attack! I waited about 20 minutes, BTW. GRRR So now it is time for 5th block, which is history, I hate history and we have a test. By this point it had been such a bad day that I don't care if I pass or fail the test, yah I know- no lecture please. So I take the test and turn it in and sleep the rest of the period. Finally, the bell rings and it is time to go home. I get home and find out that my dog, Tiny, has been sick all day. :( Normally when I am having a bad day, to make my brain STOP I sleep so this is what I did today. I went to bed at about 3:15 and didn't wake up until about 7:40. I only woke up then because mama got me up to eat. Thank goodness I am going to counselling tomorrow!!!! I am about to go crazy.

Oh my.. :(

Today marks the 4th year since 9/11. :( How sad. I remember exactly where I was when I found out. Sadly, I don't think anyone will ever forget. Our country hasn't been the same since.

This picture has been circling the internet for a long time, but it is still my favorite. I love the cross between the buildings. It reminds me of how God will never give us more that we can handle.

SO much fun!

So I didn't get to scrap at all Friday! :( I did get invited to go to the lake with my best friend and her family! We had a BLAST!! :) It was so much fun and SO relaxing. Last night we went out on the boat and rode around it was so relaxing. Then today, we got on the boat at about 11:30 and got back around 5:00! SOO much fun! :) No fishing, nothing. We just rode and looked at houses and sunned like alligators! LOL I got sunburnt, but not too bad. I didn't take my camera on the boat because I didn't want to get it wet, but I had my cell phone so I took some pictures on there! I didn't even bother fixing the red eyes because the quality is HORRIBLE!

I had fun at the lake, but I was ready to come home. I missed my little Tiny. HAHA

I am ready to snuggle with her tonight! :) It was nice to get away from life though because I have been so stressed out lately.

That's all for now! -Haley